3Y7M 1Y9M ロンドン London

ペリンのお誕生会がタワーブリッジ近くの公園であったので、ロンドンまで出かけた。まずはチャイナタウンで飲茶をして、タカラがバギーで昼寝している間にタワーブリッジ近くまで移動。あまりの暑さにアラタもへたっていたが、買って貰ったばかりのサングラスをかけて得意そう。日本人はサングラスかけると眉毛が出ちゃってちょっと間抜け顔になるけど、アラタは外人顔だからなかなか似合う。帰りは公園からロンドン市庁舎の辺りを通ってロンドンブリッジ駅まで行ったが、辺りは再開発で噴水はあるし、とてもいい感じになっていた。

We went to London for Pelin's 1st birthday party, which was held in the park nearby Tower Bridge. We first went to China town to eat Dim Sum and heading for the park while Takara was asleep in the buggy. Arata also looked tired because of the heat but he was happy to wear his sunglasses. We Japanese often look 'funny' when we wear sunglasses as our eyebrows are out of the lenses. But as Arata's got more Western feature, he looks quite nice with them. I envy him! On our way home, we walked around the City Hall. The area has been redeveloped and it's very nice with water fountains and artificial streams.

3Y6M 1Y9M 夏 Summer

ここ数日久しぶりに暖かく、今日はやっと夏という感じだった。アラタカラはリリ＆リア姉妹のうちで水遊び。庭があって、木があって、プールが出せて、いいなあ、こんな家！タカラはお風呂のお湯同様、プールの水をすくって飲んでいた・・・。

It's been quite warm in the last couple of days and we felt very summery today for the first time in a long time. We visited Rika and Aratakara played with Lili and Lia. Rika's house has a garden with trees and they had a paddling pool out today. It's so nice! By the way, Takara was drinking water from the pool! (He drinks water in the bath as well.....)

3Y6M 1Y9M テディベアピクニック Teddy bears picnic

ナップヒルのミゼンズレイルウエィの

テディベアピクニック

へ行った。以前行ったのはアラタが2才になる前のクリスマスイベントで、この時は

アラタは怖がって泣いた。

今日はもちろん大丈夫だった。アラタもタカラも、あちこちでやっているテディベア達のピクニック（膨大な量のぬいぐるみが線路の周りに置いてある）を見つけるたびにキャーキャー騒いでいた。英国らしい昔ながら（そして環境に優しい？）の「人力」シーソー＆回るブランコも大喜び。

We went to

Teddy bears Picnic

in Knaphill.

It was just before Arata turned 2 when we went there for the first time for their Christmas event. At that time, Arata was so excited but soon after he got on the train,

he started to cry and didn't stop.

But of course, this time, he was absolutely ok and, as expected, Takara was so happy. Whenever they found teddies or any sort of soft dolls having picnic, they pointed at them and screamed! Aratakara also enjoyed very British, environmental friendly, man-power see-saw and roundabout swings!

3Y6M 1Y9M ペアレンツミーティング Parents meeting

アラタのペアレンツミーティング(ナーサリーの担当ケアラーさんとの保護者面談)へJasonと行った。

アラタの担当はザビダ。20台前半のケアラーが主流のナーサリーの中では、年配だから(25歳の息子さんがいるらしい）私は彼女を気に入っている。若い女性より経験豊富なだけ、落ち着いているし確実で安心。おとなしいアラタの事もよく気にかけてくれている。

最近のアラタは、自分の殻から脱出して友達も増え、楽しそうにしているとのこと。以前はとにかく話さないから、何を考えているのか分からないし当惑していたようだ。最近の出来事として、ある食事の時間、アラタだけカップに水が入っていなかった事があったそうで、アラタは「お水ください　I need some water」とはっきりと主張したらしい。彼女としては、これがあのシャイなアラタなの？とビックリしたそうだが、私もそれを聞いて安心。言うべき事をきちんと言えるなら強く生きていけるだろう。

言われたことは理解しているし、アラタはブライトな子供よと言ってくれた。Jasonが他のケアラーさんに最近聞いた話では、「あのおとなしいアラタを『初めて』怒った」なんて事もあったらしいし、だんだん本領発揮かしら。いいことだけど。そういえば、何日か前、アラタは初めてナーサリーが好き、行くのは楽しいと言っていた。

ところで、ザビダはたまにタカラのクラスもみるそうだが、「タカラは全然違うわよ、彼は自信満々。私なんかたまにしか行かないけど、きちんと挨拶してくれるわ。」と言っていた。

We went to a parents meeting on Friday. Arata's main carer at nursery is Zabida. She, who has a 25 year old son, is not one of the very young carers (they are usually around 20 years old) and I've liked her. I feel more confident in older carers because they have more patient and experience in children. She seems to observes and cares Arata very well with good understanding of his personality.

She told us that Arata has come out of his shell a bit and spends time at nursery happily. He's made a couple of close friends and has started to talk more. Apparently they used to be a bit confused about Arata because he didn't express what he wants or feelings much. A couple of weeks ago, when Arata's cup was empty at meal time, he said, "I need some water." to them. It was quite a surprise to Zabida and she thought, is this the same shy Arata? I feel better to hear that. As long as he can express what he needs and wants, he can survive even if he is shy.

Zabida also told us Arata understands what they are talking and doing without any problems and he is a bright child. Jason has been recently told by another carer that "the shy" Arata was told off for the first time. It's a good sign, I think. He is really getting himself even at nursery. In fact, Arata recently told us he likes nursery and he enjoys going there. (He used to say he doesn't like nursery nearly every day.)

By the way, Zabida sometimes goes downstairs to Takara's class. She said, "Oh, Oliver is very different. He is so confident. I don't look after that class so often but Oliver always says hello to me.

3Y6M 1Y9M 電車 Train ride

思い立ってBasingstokeまで行く。Wokingから20分ほどの街で特に何があるわけでもなく、結局は、どこにでもあるCafe Nero でお茶をして帰ってきただけ。でもいい気分転換。Ｔａｋａｒａも以前よりは電車の中でいい子にしていてくれるので助かるが、「電車に乗る＝お菓子を食べる」とインプットされてしまっていて、電車に乗るや否や「ココバーバ！」　（タカラ語の「食べ物くれ！」）。お菓子を与え続ける事に・・・。

We just decided to go to Basingstoke. It's 20 minutes south from Woking by train. There is nothing special and we ended up having coffee at one of the chained coffee shop, Cafe Nero. But it was something different and refreshing. Takara can behave a little bit better on train now. Well, "train ride = eating snacks" has been input in his brain and as soon as we are on board, he says, "Koko baaaba (his own language meaning 'give me something to eat)".

3Y6M 1Y9M 学校見学 School open day

アラタの学校は来年の9月から。英国では、希望の学校を表明できる（決定は行政機関による）が、リクエストは今年の10月が締め切り。今日は近所の学校でオープンディやフェアがあったので行ってみた。そのうち一つは校庭も広く、Jason曰くニュージーランドの学校みたい。そこで遊ぶJamalとアラタ。

Arata's school starts from September next year. Interestingly, in this country, we can express out preference, which school we want to send our children. But its deadline is in October this year in our county, which is also surprising, very early! Anyway, we went to visit 2 schools nearby as they had an open day and school fair. In this photo, Jamal and Arata were playing at one of the school's play ground. Jason prefers this one because they have a big ground and like the schools in New Zealand.

3Y6M 1Y9M Fate

三人目を諦めることにした。

小さい子供を持つ母親として、決断は辛かった。実際は、自分で決心できなくて、運命に任せたような気さえしている。体力的、精神的に、今のままで一杯一杯だから、これ以上は無理だというのが私達が真っ先に思ったこと。この年齢で4年間に3人はどう考えても厳しい。決断までの3週間、男親のJasonは最後まで、意思を曲げなかった。これ以上の私達へのストレスと疲労が果たして家庭に幸せをもたらすのか、そして、強靭とはいえない私の体力はどうなるのか。母親の私は、日毎に高まる母性に混乱していった。

全てが終わり、予想以上のパニックに心が痛む。既に子供を持ち、安定した夫婦関係にある程、トラウマになり易いらしい。元気に走り回っている子供達と彼を重ねてしまい心が痛む。選択肢があっただけに、やっぱりできたんじゃないかという気持ち。納得していなかったのに、大切な事を自分でコントロールしてしまったと思う後悔。どうしてあの場から逃げなかったのかという自己嫌悪。友達には励まされた。運命は変えられないのだという事。自分でも気が付かない無意識下では答えはわかっていたのだという事。そうかもしれないし、そう思うしかない。彼が存在した意義は必ずあるという事を信じている。

We've given up another one.

As a mother of 2 young children, it was an extremely difficult decision. In fact, I wasn't 100 % sure what I was going to do. I didn't know what was the best for us. I couldn't decide. I just let it happen.

It was a surprise. But we were sad from the beginning. We knew it had already been too much for us with 2 little boys. We have been stretched to our limit physically and mentally. How could we cope with another one? I've already had 2 pregnancies at my age. And how could I survive another one, considering my age?

Jason had been consistent with his decision throughout the 3 week. He believed it was the best thing for us as a family. But for me, my maternal instinct grew stronger day by day and I got more and more confused about what I wanted to do.

After everything was over, I couldn't control my emotions. My heart really ached and I was in an uncontrollable panic. I can understand why women who are in a stable relationship with children have higher risk of post traumatic depression, when they have been through the same experience.

We overlap this little one with other children. We can remember and sense very well how we felt when we were carrying other children. How on earth could we allow such a terrible thing happen to him? How unfair was it to him? I could have done it, I could have done it. Why did I not escape and saved him? Why did I dear to control this little life when I wasn't confident what I was going to do...

My friends have helped me throughout this ordeal. One says we can not change fate and I didn't go against the flow of water. Other says I probably knew what was the best for us deep down, underneath of even my consciousness. They may be right. And all I can do is to believe them. At least I believe his existence has a meaning for us.