Thursday 3 July 2008

3Y6M 1Y9M Fate





We've given up another one.

As a mother of 2 young children, it was an extremely difficult decision. In fact, I wasn't 100 % sure what I was going to do. I didn't know what was the best for us. I couldn't decide. I just let it happen.

It was a surprise. But we were sad from the beginning. We knew it had already been too much for us with 2 little boys. We have been stretched to our limit physically and mentally. How could we cope with another one? I've already had 2 pregnancies at my age. And how could I survive another one, considering my age?

Jason had been consistent with his decision throughout the 3 week. He believed it was the best thing for us as a family. But for me, my maternal instinct grew stronger day by day and I got more and more confused about what I wanted to do.

After everything was over, I couldn't control my emotions. My heart really ached and I was in an uncontrollable panic. I can understand why women who are in a stable relationship with children have higher risk of post traumatic depression, when they have been through the same experience.

We overlap this little one with other children. We can remember and sense very well how we felt when we were carrying other children. How on earth could we allow such a terrible thing happen to him? How unfair was it to him? I could have done it, I could have done it. Why did I not escape and saved him? Why did I dear to control this little life when I wasn't confident what I was going to do...

My friends have helped me throughout this ordeal. One says we can not change fate and I didn't go against the flow of water. Other says I probably knew what was the best for us deep down, underneath of even my consciousness. They may be right. And all I can do is to believe them. At least I believe his existence has a meaning for us.

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