5Y8M 3Y 11M ついに I'm giving in...

ペナンに戻って３週間。日本に行っていた記憶も感覚もすっかり薄れて何も変わらない毎日。

最近のアラタカラとお友達は、男女に分かれて遊ぶことが多い。女の子はXXちゃんちに集合して、男の子はYYちゃんちと言う感じで、兄弟姉妹でも男女に分かれて別々の場所に。実際、男の子はアクティブで、女の子はごっこ遊び。分けたほうがうまく行く。

私は半年以上続けた調査の結果、やりたいコースが結局みつからず、今後２年間どうやってペナンで過ごそうかという激しい無気力感で最悪だった。日本へ帰って気力を取り戻し、ペナンでできることをとにかくやろうと決めた。

修士を取ろうと思っていたぐらいだから、できるだけ知的なことがしたい。AFでフランス語か、フルタイムで中国語に再々挑戦。かなりやる気になったのに、どちらも夜コースしかない。地方都市ペナンでは、どうしても人数が集まらず、昼間のコースは開催されないことが多いからだ。

とりあえずTESOL（英語を教える人のためのコース）を取る決心をした。ところが、受講初日に、やりたい内容とは違うことが判明。悩んだ末、退学することにしたのが一昨日の事。再び脱力感。

選択肢リストを作り直すしかない。全く違った目線で周りに目を向けると、Motoがすすめてくれたピアノやギターなどの個人レッスンは安価だ。習字を中国人に習うというのも面白そう。もう一度ジムに挑戦するのもいい。ペナンの日本人の歴史について調べてネットに発表するなんていうのも有りかなあ。

無職で２年が過ぎ、再就職に対する焦りと、経済的に自立していないことへの不安。でも、最近、私もついに自分が母親であるという事実を認る事にしたのだと気づく。６年間何してたの～って言われそうだけれども、自分中心の私。一生降参しない可能性もあっただけに、一歩前進。子供と向き合うのも今後のプロジェクトの一つだね。

It's been 3 weeks since we came back to Penang. I don't feel I was in Japan only 3 weeks ago, and my life has been back to normal for so long as if I had never been back to Japan.

Aratakara and their friends have often played only with boys or girls. Nevertheless who is whose siblings, girls go to XX's and boys go to YY's house. To be honest, it works better. Boys are often too rough and girls are always too cheeky.

I spent more than half a year to search a postgraduate course I can do while we are in Penang. In the end, I couldn't find anything, distance learning course of my interesting subject. After I found out this fact, I felt so depressed. I was even scared to think of the time we still have in Penang, for at least another 2 years. After spending time in Japan at my parents, I was recharged and ready to fight back. I was positive when we came back. I was determined to take up whatever I can do in Penang.

I was looking for something to stimulate my brain. My options were either learning French at AF or studying Mandarin on full time course. Unfortunately, they don't have any daytime courses due to the luck of sign-ups. It always happens in small Penang - not enough people for daytime classes.

As my alternative plan, I decided to go for a TESOL certificate course.But I must have been so unlucky. When I attended the first class, I found out it was not what I wanted. I decided to withdraw from the course. It was only yesterday and I've been feeling low again.

Yet, I have to pull myself together. I have to rebuild my list of possibilities. When I looked at things from a different angle, I could still find more new ideas. As Moto has suggested, how about learning to play the piano or guitar? Tutors are relatively cheap in Penang. Learning calligraphy from a Chinese person also sounds interesting.or I can join the gym again. How about attending a short English course for a change? I can probably research the Japanese history in Penang and publish it on the net?

Let me put it this way. I've been unemployed for 2 years. I feel worried about my future and career. I feel insecure about not being financially independent. Interestingly enough though, I've recently realised that I have finally decided to admit that I am a mother of 2. It may sound strange - what have I been doing? But you must know that I am always self centred and it was quite possible that I would have never given in. it took me 6 years to reach here and this will be another big project for me - to face my children and bring them up to be happy boys.