Saturday 12 June 2004

12W 5D 妊娠願望? Desire for haveing a baby?


かわのと Piccadilly Circus で夕飯を食べた。日ごろからかわのは「結婚することになったら真っ先に教えてね」とか、日本に Jason と一緒に行って来た直後に会った時は、「結婚することになったって報告でもあるかと思った」などと言ってるから、私が「結婚」してしまうかもしれないことがいつも気になるらしい。遊んでくれなくなっちゃうからだって。まあ、実際、同棲も結婚もあまり変わらないから、私が結婚しても今と変化があるとは思えないのだが。そういえば、かなり前になるが、私が日本に彼氏がいた時に、一時帰国して帰ってくると、あやこが「ちこちゃんが結婚決めて帰ってくる夢をみた」と言っていた事があった。この歳になると、同年代の独身は数少なく、「同士」のようなものだから、「一抜け」されるのがなんとなく寂しいのだろうか。ところで、このように、私の親しい友人たちにとっては「結婚」が一抜けらしいが、どうも私は「妊娠」の方が衝撃が大きいとずっと思っていたと思う。そして、金曜日に、かわのと話していて、ずっと前から私がそうだった裏付けがとれた。



I broke the news to Tosh and Kawano on Friday. I will be able to ask lots of questions to Tosh from now on.

I had dinner with Kawano on Friday in Piccadilly Circus. She always tells me that I should tell her first when me and Jason decide to marry. Or when we went to dinner just after I came back from our holiday from Japan, she said, 'I've been thinking that you are going to tell me that you two are engaged! I'm relieved you are not.' Well, she seems to be quite concerned that I may get married soon. For her, my marriage means we will not go out together any more. Well, I have already lived with Jason, and, marriage and living together do not make any difference for me. Anyway, her comments remind me of Ayako's reaction some time ago. I had a boyfriend in Japan back there and when I came back from holiday to Japan, she said, 'I had a dream that you and your boyfriend got engaged.' There are not many single friends in our age group here, and nobody wants to be 'left out'. Probably, 'Left out' normally means that close friends get married one by one. For me, it seems to be different. It means that close friends get pregnant one by one.... I probably has been thinking this way for a long time. And Kawano remembered another episode which tells my this attitude long time ago.

When Ayako got engaged, she announced the news to us, starting, 'I have some news today.' We'd already known that she'd started to see someone and it was going very well. Kawano said, 'Are you engaged?' But I said, 'Are you pregnant?' It seems that I've been thinking pregnancy is more important than marriage since so long time ago! Well, I did not remember this episode, though.

Breaking my news to Kawano, I was a bit nervous because I thought she may be only ready for her close friend's marriage but not pregnancy. She said, 'Are you joking?' This is exactly the same reactions from Katariina and Tosh, who I broke the news face to face. Quite interesting. Kawano is usually chatty but she was quiet after that on Friday.

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